First bad mood

hi bloggy. Its been a month I didnt visit you, well anyway here I am, writting to you, trying to make something right as always.

Sometimes I feel dumb to not write enough my whole-life-time story, I mean I used to write a lot to feel better, but since high school I kinda not in my mood to write frequently. I used to write poems like every single boredom that I had, i was associating with words, tried to make my poems suitable with my feelings, it didnt turn out to be lame until I read it over when I got to be a high schooler. All my poems were GARBAGE. I got upset to myself, I asked myself, "Didnt you have a good Indonesian teacher to teach you how to write? Didnt you have a brain of make-something-makessense already since you knew which one chair was and which one phone was? Are you really able to write?" Oh dang I was making everything messed up. I even didnt care what I was writing about and what it was for, all I remember was I wrote to make my feelings better and to feel proud that my writting full of STRANGE WORDS. Oh how lame.

And now, whenever I want to write something like formal stories or poems, I would think thrice (not twice), cz I dont want my writting to be meaningless.

Anyhow, I'd like to emphasize that sometimes I feel dumb to not write my life-stories. Im not saying that my life-stories are worth-reading, it just this urge and courage whenever I read my sister's write, Im like, "O wow, its beautiful if you had your kids or your future friends read it, moreover, if your future YOU yourself read it! Its gonna be full of laughs, cries, and smiles!". You know, when you think of something, it would dissappear fast, but if you write, hey there it is!! I LOVE WRITING. But the urge to really ACT to write?? Not really. Writing is hard, I admit it. And it needs time, literally, when I write, I need a whole day to really make a good writing. That makes me think I actually wasnt born to be a writer like my sister and my dad were. Though I wish I were.

I dont really like some writes about essays or critisizing things. I guess not all writers are actually implement what they write. thats what i dont like to be a writer. When you write you're supposed to pledge and promise yourself that your writes are not hands-movement only, but it is a way to make you and everybody who reads it become better person. If you write "study is good" means "I study". And thats the way it works. To me, bad writers are them who cannot guarantee their writes. Duh, I hate them. Really. Thats why I prefer to be a story-writer when you less likely advising readers directly.

Im not a good-word-arrangment-person kind of that. When I try to explain something well, my tongue tends to slipped as well as I write. But at least, when I write I have some times to think what I gotta say. So I prefer writing than speaking just like I prefer writing personal stories than chatting to my friends about my personal stuffs.

Now i kinda lose my mood booster to write. That's terrible. Cz when I dont write means I dont share anything. Means Im burrying my personal stories in my brain until it smells bad that what I call it distress.