i feel strange, really strange

(blog gue jadi kayak diary, isinya curhatan haha)

i dont care if there are people read this or not. I really wanna have personal diary but i just cant. idk why, i never have diary for a long time, like permanently. i prefer typing than manual writing. and i dont care if people want to read this or not, but i do care if there stranger read this, i mean people that i dont know. it just interesting to have people like that reading my post, so i wont embarassed since they dont know me lol. ok. enough. this writing are not important actually.

well,

i have many dreams, i wanna be someone in law background but not a lawyer, i want to work in medical things but not a doctor or nurse, i want to be a writer- a really good writer, i want to be a rich person, i want to have a religious,kind,cute,and wealthy husband, i want to feed many poor people with my money, i want to travel the world, i wanna have many friends and networks, i want to be able drawing or painting and singing and playing instruments, i want to be happy with all of those.

i never said that before, waw.

it sounds so greedy i know. But nevermind, i dont really attempt that though. It just my fantasy.

yeah, fantasy. that word. fantasy. fantasy really make me drunk and weak.
actually i'm not gonna write about my dreams-fantasy, instead, my fantasy which stuck in my head. im crazy. let me tell you n u can tell me that im crazy.

i have this fantasy everyday, and almost every single time even if people are talking to me. I was doing this CONSCIOUSLY since i was in 6th grade. So, this fantasy is a story made by me, im making a story in my head. I have quiet many characters, more than 3 guy and 3 girls. Im making a plot, un-neat plot. Sometimes it could finish for one night when i intend to go to bed, sometimes it continue till the next day even 3 days. and it could be repeat over for next week or month in the similar story and i never bored of it. Sometimes i make a story related to my life (with the same characters, not me) in the same setting where i used to live, like my real school, my real home, my real friend's home (n my friends will involved in it but me, im just a storymaker), but i will make a fiction story every i go to bed. Idk why i feel uncomfortable if i involve my real life in a go-to-bed-story (well call it fantasy rather that story anw). I always do it when im alone. Otherwise, not always, but often.

I used to do that and i loved it that way till i went to 11 grade SHS. It changed. I started to feel strange of myself. Those fantasy started to make me crazy. I become un-focus on everything. I started to make myself UNCONCSIOUSLY have that story in my head, especially if im bored. The thing, idk why that fantasy only came once in my dream. Though i do it almost in every single time. Nowadays, actually since 11 grade i become such a teribble girl who are confusing everything. I spent most of my time to do something that actually wasting, make me not sensitive to surrounding. I feel strange, un-focus. I often promise to myself, i will never make that kind of fantasy again. It never happen. The most successful one was 3 days in a row i could stop that fantasy in my head, but then it came up again. I also ever tried to write down my story in my head rather that just stuck it in, but every i intended to do it, i felt i couldnt, idk how to start and where to start becz my story never make sense. It's "too fiction" (but not kid's story).

Now, the characters that i make seem real. I know their faces, literally. They just looked real now. Look, im crazy!

Honestly, it starts to make me more insane. I dont want to have it. but nothing i could do except i want to try to get rid of it by denying it. I feel im crazy. -.- oh lord. get me out of there.

i feel silly now.