Rabu, 29 Desember 2010

ready for 2011?

ready for 2011?
i hope so.

tonight i went dinner with mom in Panda Garden (our favorite restaurant), in the middle of meal we had conversation about what resolution we're gonna make for 2011.
and these are the things mom named it for me:
1. more assertive
2. speak louder
3. making more friends

and this is i named for mom:
1. dares to say 'NO'

let me contemplate.
bismillahirrahmanirrahim. :)

Sabtu, 25 Desember 2010

be grateful

i'm excited!
today is christmas morning, i know im not suppose to celebrate christmas but i have to.
last night was a blast, well that's not true. but still, it was good. on christmas eve i had dinner with mom, grand2, and neighborhood, they're all old -.-" i barely didn't speak up. sometimes i laughed listened to their stories, it was pretty funny but mostly i was only in silence haha. but im grateful, let's rejoice for what God had given to us.
i just opened my christmas gift from mom, i got two books (that i love it), a book mark, chocolates, a box of cards n envelopes, and a diary book :). im grateful :)

i'm excited!
i never seen snow before! lol. well, that's not true. i never seen snow for a real! n i'm gonna see it soon haha (maklum dr negara tropis yg gak pernah liat salju -.-). i hope so. my mom promised me, we'll go to New Mexico this coming January :D
let's rejoice for what God had given and will give and giving to us.

probably this winter break i'll posting often, since nothing that i could do but 'work' on computer. i passed all wonderful days without write them somewhere even not a paper :( i should write them. all wonderful days that i have had, that i'm gonna have, that im having now. wonderful days that God gives to us. Let's rejoice for what God had given and will give and giving to us.

Be grateful.

--Risni

Kamis, 23 Desember 2010

winter break-- time to tell you the truth

when i wrote this, i was, still, didnt know who i was.

ALONE. make me feel like i'm useless. nobody want to hang out with me, nobody want to even call my name. haha i'm desperate.

i love winter breaks where i can wake up late, wasting time on computer, watch movies, hang out with friends, reading books, and many more just doing fun things. Does it happen every time, everyday, frequently or what? as a matter of fact, not really. I'm not really doing great job here, as an exchange student, as an Indonesian exchange student, as a Moeslem-Indonesian exchange student, i am, still, feeling the same even worse.

i feel i just wanna go home nowadays. i love Indonesia better. I love my friends there, my family, my everything. i just love them. It's because winter breaks, i spend my time mostly alone.

when im alone, i feel i dont have anybody to talk to, to share with, to do something with, nobody. well, i could call my friends here (though i said i'm not doing great job as exchange student, but im making friends lol), but it just different. i know i have friends, im being more introvert during my year here. i have my lovely friends, great friends who want to accept me as what i look like. they dont care where i come from, they dont care what religion i am, they dont care what i'm putting on. they are not a lot (i told you im being introvert here) but i love them.

the things are,
i love them but it's not as much as i love my friends in Indonesia, feeling awkward still haunt me~ though i know they are just so nice.
they are different. they have their own culture. american cultures that are not so me. My best (close) frinds here are not real-americans. At least it makes me engage them easier than real americans who just NOT so me. they still american though. but i know that's wrong. open minded is completely required.

but look hey. i hate to be compared to anybody else. indirectly, many people start to compare me with other exchange students who are doing great (i admit).

im still cannot open my mind to accept different things here. i'm not from big city, im not that kind of girl who like to be like "that girls" (i hope u understand) i am me, i am myself. please dont blame me people !

i'm trying, i know i failed.
im lazy to keep moving forward and im tired.
i used to do things with many friends! but i have my best friends. i love to be extrovert, like butterflies. doing something back and forth, to and fro, a social person, helping each other, in a BIG family.
now im feeling alone.

n i completely hate being alone. im too dependent. i know.

but other time. I just so thankful to get here. Im happy when i do things with friends. when go to movie theater, shopping, playing, chatting, just being around them, a lovely time with them. consciously, i dont wanna go home, even i dream about to live here.

human never be satisfy.
i've no idea how much i miss Indonesia now, but i've no idea how much im gonna miss everything in US, later.

but still, when i wrote this, i was alone. i wanted to go home.

Rabu, 22 Desember 2010

i can't help, i hate being 18.

look, world is full of different things! (open minded is necessarily required)

i dont know what to say, but i'm getting suck now, i'm 18 but i feel like i do nothing. do you know what teenagers used to act when they have no idea who they are? they're wasting their time, uhh it's me now.
am i a teenager now? not really, i mean i'm 18! i'm eligible to drive, so what? idk.
(see, i'm getting unorganize to do things even writing)
my life has no good progress, at least what im feeling, idk what people think and for now i dont care though.
i learned psychology during my semester here, i know some "what is it called" that happens to me.
1. ID moratorium. this is the identity that teens usually experience. they're asking questions bout everything they dont understand exactly, they have no commitment yet, and they feel suck like me, life is just so complicated.
2. ID foreclosure. im honestly say here what happens to me as well. sometimes i do follow everything people like to and i think those people are my "leader", my "god". my "everything" n then i follow them without asking as i think they're right! they're cool! oh whataver. im being completely follower.
3. Compensation defense and Reaction Formation defense. Often, i see many people are a way superior than me, clever, smarter, rich, talented, just a way different with me. then im feeling envy, instead of being angry to them, im compliment them. then i make 'compensation' by saying "okay, i dont have that, but i have this,". BUT not really for right now. im seeing too many. too many people are really really superior. i just admire them and envy them. im sort of have a stiff smile admiring and hoping i could be just like them.
4. dominance, deference, and succorance in the same life time but different situation. do i have a double personality?? yes i do. that's what i think..and feel that bring me up to feel pleasure, but other time bring me down to feel so dependent and shy and shy and shy. Tumbling on the sand with a pillow cover my face attempt to put it on my butt. what a world that bring me in this images. i cant control my self to act not like an 18 girl or.. women.

i dont have principes, commintment to my life. idk what im suppose to do. 18 is too adult for me to do something what kids do and i do what kids do anyways. so, do you know what are you going to do when you turn 18?

it seems so exessive for most of u, i bet it does. but.. look. you dont know what i feel.

Kamis, 14 Oktober 2010

go go

halooo
after a long time, i come back to write something.
okay, i'm already spend more than 6 weeks in school, AND definitely i change my mind bout CLASSES (previous posting). I'm getting bored in some points, honest. Well, not really for guitar now, we're learning chord now (after 6 weeks), lil bit more fun than before. US history, i thought i couldn't make it, but in fact i can, at least i make good progress :D and i love this class now ;). Theater? aaaaa BORING -.-" i do mistake, i should not choose theater reguler, i just knew that theater reguler (that i belong now) will NEVER perform :( and we just do boring stuff, games (actually fun but not if you can't 'touch' everybody), lil acting learning, theater vocabularies and do nothing. Algebra, i hate to say this, but i love it because it's easy but i hate it because so many works. the teacher is unique tho, and nice. Psychology..oooh I lOVE it, IF i understand all the stuffs. but i think i can make it, just try to trust myself. anw, i did a lot of mistakes in psychology test today, suck, ya.
what else..mm English, so so. but ya, quite much works. Japanese, idk but i feel after days passed, it starts to less humorous. maybe bcz the lesson getting harder, ya it's true, so we're going to spend time for learning seriously than before.

yaa those are them..
i'm thinking of trying find really FUN stuff in school, i miss doing something after school..i mean ..u know, not going straight home. but again, a lot of works to do. i'm too tired to do many things while homeworks haunt me lalalala. but i'll start to search new things tho, yaaa probably (or definitely) i just have a year (11 month actually) here, let me speak up, do FUN and Interesting thing! i know it will be so hard, challenging, and i'm not kinda person who like challenge, frankly :( but everybody have to dare facing challange, life is challange.

speak up Risni! do something.

Minggu, 26 September 2010

haiii

it has been so looong since my last posting. yaa i'm lazy to write in this current time. many things i wanna tell yall but homeworks and laziness kill me.

Selasa, 07 September 2010

CLASSES! :D

*Guitar

ehem. belajar gitar sudah menjadi ambisi gue sejak SMA. klo gue jalan sama nita terus ada bunyi genjreng, nita pasti langsung teriak "Risni, gitar!" haha. dan disini ada someone yg menyarankan gue buat ikut kelas gitar, gue noded. first meeting, gue seneng bgt..gurunya baiik, kenalan pertama gue bahkan berasal dr kelas ini. tapi..setelah berhari2, gue mulai bosan krn ajarannya tidak sesuai yg gue harapkan. gue pgnnya lgsg diajarin kunci gitar gitu abcdefg trs bermusik2 ria brg2 yg lain. Ternyata gue terlalu ambisi deh, dimana2 kalo belajar pasti dr nol lha haha. alhasil ya pertama belajar history gitar..trs baca nada di ledger line, cara memegang gitar yg benar, bljar nada di string pertama dulu, pokonya yg bener2 dr awaaaal. trs si gurunya teh benar2 mengkordinir muridnya apalgi yg gabisa. jd sementara si guru ngajarin yg lain, gue pasti megang gitar dengan siku di waist gitar kepalan tangan di dagu sambil pasang muka ngantuk. pas di tes kunci G n B, berantakan. uda gue salah cara metiknya, temponya acak adut lagi haha. pelajarn pertama: sebosan apapun anda, hal kecil akan berdampak besar.


*US History

kelas yg buat gue down. sebelah gue cewek yg super jenius yg selalu angkat tangan ketika ditanya, sebelah gue cowok yg sama kayak tuh cewek, belakang gue cowok yg selalu bertanya kritis. depan gue cowok student exchange dr jerman, ramah bgt ni anak, senyum mulu, ganteng lagi *lho*. awalnya gue agak lega ada tmn student ex, setidaknya 'mungkin' b.inggris dia juga 11-12 ama gue. taunya, b.inggris dia super lancar, dan super jenius pula krn dia bisa menjawab pertanyaan2 yg diajukan guru zzz. kelas ini aktif bgt, banyak angkat tangannya, sedangkan gue selalu mgernyitkan dahi tanda tak mengerti, gue sempet angkat tangan soal menunjuk state di peta (cuma ini yg menurut gue gampang-di sekeliling kelas kan ada peta US haha-). Gue org yg paling sering ke meja guru, ehem bukan buat bertanya tapi buat minta print out materi. PR US hitory selalu ada setiap hari dan sungguh melelahkan. setiap gue ngumpulin PR, pasti si guru bilang "o very good" sambil senyum lebar as if gue org yg plg gak ngerti di kelas.


*Theater Art

dari kelas US history ke kelas in memakan waktu yg cukup panjang krn jauh, gue selalu lari tiap ke kelas ini takut kena tardy zzz. but it is the amazing class dan menyenangkan. orang2nya ramah semua :) *gak semua sih tp byk yg ramah* sama halnya kayak di kelas Gitar, kelas ini pun benar2 mengajarkan dari awaaaalll dan diulang2. tapi ttp menyenangkan walopun anak2nya super ribut yg buat guru theater marah mulu -.- disuru "no gum" masih ada aja yg gak nurut.


*Algebra


Gurunya UNIK sumpah deh. Ramah tapi strict. Lucu juga. pokonya asik walopun galak. pokonya unik deh haha. pelajaran algebra di sini bener2 dihayati. kita dikasi konsep dulu dan si gurunya teh kasi example pake robot2an, pensil boneka, ato mainan lainnya gitu deh yg bikin ketawa. hal lain yg bikin gue seneng adalah disini gue gak mesti denger b.inggris byk2, tinggal liat board/buku trs ngerjain soal :D


*Psychology

haaaaaaaaa. pusing dah ni kelas. SUPER AKTIF anak2nya. down abis gue disini. mereka ngomong apa aja gue ga ngerti, plg ngerti dikit2. suka bingung sendiri klo dikasi tugas sama gurunya, cepet bgt ngemengnya -.-" PRnya juga lumayan susah zzz. tapi gue yakin, klo gue ngerti aja, pasti ni kelas asik bgt! di kelas ini rata2 senior, gue keliatan bgt kecilnya kalo di kelas ini. hm.


*English

ini kelas yg paling aneh -.-" anak2nya bandel2 deh. ada cewek yg tidur mulu, disuru angkat kepala, angkat sedetik trs dia gak peduli lagi, disuru angkat lagi, sedetik, tidur2an lagi zzz bikin kesel dah ni org. ada satu cowok yg super ngelunjak, disuru ngerjain tugas dia gak ngerjain, pokonya kata2nya gak sopan deh. tapi ada satu cowok yg gue suka haha. anaknya rajin tapi selengean juga sih, suka tidur di kelas, tp dia bakal tidur klo tugas2 yg dikerjain uda selesai, anaknya sigap :D klo dibangunin ya dia bangun. ganteng loohh haha. tapi sayangnya dia pindah kelas zzzz. Gurunya paling strict. tapi wajar sih, anak2nya kayak gitu.


*Japanese

aaaa! the most amazing class!! rata2 anak2 disini freshman, gue jadi berasa same size *0* setidaknya size gue sama mereka gak jauh beda :p. anak2nya lucu2...pikiran mereka masih kayak anak kecil *sok dewasa gue*, jd main2 gitu ketawa2 dll pokonya asik. anak2nya juga ramah :D ini kenapa gue jd nyambungnya ama anak freshman coba? -.- gurunya juga humoris. pokonya tiap hari gak mungkin deh gada hal yg buat ketawa hebat :D yg bikin gak asik, klo ngasi PR pasti lewat website, jd kan serada males juga gitu.