So, guess imma start blogging again. Happens every time, I was about to start writing but then in the middle of writing, someone calls me, texts me or knocks my room door, or college homework attempts to persuade me do them. The worst one, I really have no idea what to write despite all my life's dynamic changes. Just didn't know how to start arranging words and occasions. Been a long time, think my fingers and brain getting stiff lol.
So a friend of mine just tagged me this fb note about mmmm a motivation? Yes, a motivation presented to his friends, he wanted me and others to write again, which is good. I threw a comment saying "Im focusing on my reading, I'll write after". Now, what am I reading? I'm reading this Middle East conflict, im reading MUN guide book, and probably I will have to read about international law. What to share? You want me to share the content, you'll have to read the lies and what so-called "filthy politic" in my write later - and of course my thought that is paradox with what im doing now- which is not recommended. Why? Lack of information and critical thinking still limit me to share and give opinions. That fears me to be vocal. Me still a baby. Or… let me just share my confusion about this..
I stick my handmade-life's goal poster on my bedroom wall, which sometimes make me excited on going to college and passionate about doing things related to my goals. Good things though, but then one day I noticed something. Friends see the poster, yes, because I stick it on. They would remember some words and points; they would observe and follow me; finally they'd be more than happy to see the future me could or instead, couldn't achieve the goals. The second one saddens me. How if I couldn't achieve all of them?
The goals made based on my passions, also made by consideration that outside comfort zone is your right spot to develop. The thing is I didn't consider my capability and the nature law, oh poor Risni now you're trapped by friends whose eyes on you. YES, I am saying that I think I cannot achieve the goals. What? Say it again? I'm coward? Well, say it loud because it is true. Having this fear of not succeed is overwhelming me. I'm kinda scared on trying and moving forward, recently.
Too comfort, just way too comfort in a zone.
I had this conversation with my friend:
Me : is it better to self-develop in comfort zone or out?
F : Have you settled enough in that comfort zone?
Me : Well, fluctuative…but at least I could say it is my comfort zone
F: Hm…you better go out, widen your comfort zone
Me : Ive tried for 2 years, it didn't work. What does it mean?
F : Can the comfort zone be widened or we just can't open the door toward changes?
Me : ………
Me : How exactly comfort zone be defined?
F : Place where you can go back. You feel comfortable. Accepted and Accepting
Me : ……..
Me : How if the changes in fact didn't suit my ideology? Well, okay, open minded but do we have to be open minded? Is it always beneficial to be an open minded girl?
F : So you wanna be open but limited, and you are searching for the limits?
Me : Maybe..
That's pretty much about it. It banged me. Trying to blend and adjust with any conditions indeed not that easy, to me. To reach my goals should be that ‘butterfly girl', you know. So sad, though ive been accepted, doesn't mean ive accepted. If it what happened, me the one to blame like what F said cannot open the door toward changes. The fear of changes. It's getting serious lol. Some people may see me adaptable, some not. And that's me….. for a while. The comfort zone hampers me to make achievements. Incapability to be flexible in accepting anything.
I give you an example. I love research a lot, got this pleasure feeling when I know stuffs, so I join MUN. I passed some phases so far and had this role to be Israeli to talk about Iranian Nuclear Program. It worried me somehow since I and of course people know that ‘filthy politic' is happening around the world yet I was to talk in diplomacy. MUN teaches you to be other person haha. I would say that way.
Then it comes to the caucus phase. Overwhelmed. I feel terrible and nervous. Despite everything that I don't know yet, I read this book about Syria and it's multinational conflict. Again, that ‘filthy politic' I have to say in another rhetoric called Diplomacy. How that feeling to against your own opinion despite all facts and religion views? But people involved there think different…compare to me. You can name the people but just don't say it.
It just one sample of ideology-contradicts.
Many occasions I couldn't manage in term of different paradigm.
Again, incapability to be flexible in accepting anything.
Well then, it hasn't been my comfort zone yet. Lets just see how I deal with it.
God speed.
