oh well

Do I love being myself?

Im kinda down recently. I thought being back here would be great. I have tried some ways to be grateful of what I have and what I am. I really wanna spin back the time, I wish i couldve gone to USA in my elementary school time, so I guess I would not be like this. Because I just realized my exchange year actually brought many changes but I think its too late to upgrade and develop them. Because I had been a ZERO, if only I were a ONE or TWO, i could have been awesome. (laugh)

Let me be frank. I dont like me for right now. As my family and my friends could tell, I suck.

I have wasted my two-years of high school. No exploration, like at all. Too focus on student council and debate, made my field were only those, made me think to get into Social Thingy by the time I got to choose my major. I was passionate about International Relationship, Communication, Psychology, that kind of things. It turned out that I have quite a lot Social-Competition Certificates and yeah I was on fire to do anything in student council.

It has changed. My exchange year helped me out. I figured that I am not into social, business, communication, and..mmm..science, and I am not into Literature inspite for the fact that I like writing. So where I should be major at?

At least, my friends and families right now have been supporting me on my "passion" of Pharmacy. I say "SF ITB guys, let me in your prayers" and they apparently supporting me. I am so glad. Theyve been motivating me, mainly my Mom. Its burdening me though, but yeah thats what Im interested on right now. Why is that? Pharmacy has many job vacancies and basically its not guys-work lol. It might change though.

Back to my question. Do I love being me?
I read this book called "You Dont Know Me", and I saw this movie called "Front of the Class" they motivated me and brought me down at the same time, uh yeah they did. Cz I am jealous to people that are able to fight their weakness.

I was thinking that I was special, I was proud of me, cz of what I got and did. So then I looked up, I looked at the people above me, oh gosh they are way too smart than me. Smart at everything. I thought my 18 years-experiences would beat 14 years old girl. Not necessarily. huh.

Now Im trying to contemplate.

I realize that my blog is garbage. Spam the internet maybe. ha. I know I keep posting something like "OH No, Im no good" "Oh no, Im jealous" "Oh no, ..." It keeps repeating in other way or style of writing. The ending is always "no point". But my posts are true after all.