ready for 2011?

ready for 2011?
i hope so.

tonight i went dinner with mom in Panda Garden (our favorite restaurant), in the middle of meal we had conversation about what resolution we're gonna make for 2011.
and these are the things mom named it for me:
1. more assertive
2. speak louder
3. making more friends

and this is i named for mom:
1. dares to say 'NO'

let me contemplate.
bismillahirrahmanirrahim. :)

be grateful

i'm excited!
today is christmas morning, i know im not suppose to celebrate christmas but i have to.
last night was a blast, well that's not true. but still, it was good. on christmas eve i had dinner with mom, grand2, and neighborhood, they're all old -.-" i barely didn't speak up. sometimes i laughed listened to their stories, it was pretty funny but mostly i was only in silence haha. but im grateful, let's rejoice for what God had given to us.
i just opened my christmas gift from mom, i got two books (that i love it), a book mark, chocolates, a box of cards n envelopes, and a diary book :). im grateful :)

i'm excited!
i never seen snow before! lol. well, that's not true. i never seen snow for a real! n i'm gonna see it soon haha (maklum dr negara tropis yg gak pernah liat salju -.-). i hope so. my mom promised me, we'll go to New Mexico this coming January :D
let's rejoice for what God had given and will give and giving to us.

probably this winter break i'll posting often, since nothing that i could do but 'work' on computer. i passed all wonderful days without write them somewhere even not a paper :( i should write them. all wonderful days that i have had, that i'm gonna have, that im having now. wonderful days that God gives to us. Let's rejoice for what God had given and will give and giving to us.

Be grateful.

--Risni

winter break-- time to tell you the truth

when i wrote this, i was, still, didnt know who i was.

ALONE. make me feel like i'm useless. nobody want to hang out with me, nobody want to even call my name. haha i'm desperate.

i love winter breaks where i can wake up late, wasting time on computer, watch movies, hang out with friends, reading books, and many more just doing fun things. Does it happen every time, everyday, frequently or what? as a matter of fact, not really. I'm not really doing great job here, as an exchange student, as an Indonesian exchange student, as a Moeslem-Indonesian exchange student, i am, still, feeling the same even worse.

i feel i just wanna go home nowadays. i love Indonesia better. I love my friends there, my family, my everything. i just love them. It's because winter breaks, i spend my time mostly alone.

when im alone, i feel i dont have anybody to talk to, to share with, to do something with, nobody. well, i could call my friends here (though i said i'm not doing great job as exchange student, but im making friends lol), but it just different. i know i have friends, im being more introvert during my year here. i have my lovely friends, great friends who want to accept me as what i look like. they dont care where i come from, they dont care what religion i am, they dont care what i'm putting on. they are not a lot (i told you im being introvert here) but i love them.

the things are,
i love them but it's not as much as i love my friends in Indonesia, feeling awkward still haunt me~ though i know they are just so nice.
they are different. they have their own culture. american cultures that are not so me. My best (close) frinds here are not real-americans. At least it makes me engage them easier than real americans who just NOT so me. they still american though. but i know that's wrong. open minded is completely required.

but look hey. i hate to be compared to anybody else. indirectly, many people start to compare me with other exchange students who are doing great (i admit).

im still cannot open my mind to accept different things here. i'm not from big city, im not that kind of girl who like to be like "that girls" (i hope u understand) i am me, i am myself. please dont blame me people !

i'm trying, i know i failed.
im lazy to keep moving forward and im tired.
i used to do things with many friends! but i have my best friends. i love to be extrovert, like butterflies. doing something back and forth, to and fro, a social person, helping each other, in a BIG family.
now im feeling alone.

n i completely hate being alone. im too dependent. i know.

but other time. I just so thankful to get here. Im happy when i do things with friends. when go to movie theater, shopping, playing, chatting, just being around them, a lovely time with them. consciously, i dont wanna go home, even i dream about to live here.

human never be satisfy.
i've no idea how much i miss Indonesia now, but i've no idea how much im gonna miss everything in US, later.

but still, when i wrote this, i was alone. i wanted to go home.

i can't help, i hate being 18.

look, world is full of different things! (open minded is necessarily required)

i dont know what to say, but i'm getting suck now, i'm 18 but i feel like i do nothing. do you know what teenagers used to act when they have no idea who they are? they're wasting their time, uhh it's me now.
am i a teenager now? not really, i mean i'm 18! i'm eligible to drive, so what? idk.
(see, i'm getting unorganize to do things even writing)
my life has no good progress, at least what im feeling, idk what people think and for now i dont care though.
i learned psychology during my semester here, i know some "what is it called" that happens to me.
1. ID moratorium. this is the identity that teens usually experience. they're asking questions bout everything they dont understand exactly, they have no commitment yet, and they feel suck like me, life is just so complicated.
2. ID foreclosure. im honestly say here what happens to me as well. sometimes i do follow everything people like to and i think those people are my "leader", my "god". my "everything" n then i follow them without asking as i think they're right! they're cool! oh whataver. im being completely follower.
3. Compensation defense and Reaction Formation defense. Often, i see many people are a way superior than me, clever, smarter, rich, talented, just a way different with me. then im feeling envy, instead of being angry to them, im compliment them. then i make 'compensation' by saying "okay, i dont have that, but i have this,". BUT not really for right now. im seeing too many. too many people are really really superior. i just admire them and envy them. im sort of have a stiff smile admiring and hoping i could be just like them.
4. dominance, deference, and succorance in the same life time but different situation. do i have a double personality?? yes i do. that's what i think..and feel that bring me up to feel pleasure, but other time bring me down to feel so dependent and shy and shy and shy. Tumbling on the sand with a pillow cover my face attempt to put it on my butt. what a world that bring me in this images. i cant control my self to act not like an 18 girl or.. women.

i dont have principes, commintment to my life. idk what im suppose to do. 18 is too adult for me to do something what kids do and i do what kids do anyways. so, do you know what are you going to do when you turn 18?

it seems so exessive for most of u, i bet it does. but.. look. you dont know what i feel.