last week of school

PANIK

if only i had that courage

bleeeh. i need more times. i still cannot find my passions. get a life girl.

my mom keeps offering me to go to college here in Houston, and she'll let me stay in her house, which is very nice of her. but i dont think i'll survive hha.

my mom was very upset hearing that Ricky (her student last year from Indonesia as well) hasnt gotten accepted in any college yet. she said "What is wrong with colleges there Risni?? Ricky is a good person, he has passion, he's smart, what in the world that colleges didnt accept him? He's better apply scholarship to University of Houston, he can live with me..blablabla"

oh well.

anyway, 2 days ago i went to Austin with my clusters group. One of the thing that we visited was University of Texas in Austin which is the 2nd largest University around the Nation after Ohio State. We did college tour and i loved that university. The tour girl told us some weird stuffs for instance UT has class of History of Taco. I never expected that, seriously i mean they hate American History so they take History of Taco they learn Tacos for a full semester and they get credits for that. haha

but yeah i loved UT. its big, neat, many facilities, ad the tour girl said that it had many scholarship opportunities. my mom asked that girl about how International student could get in there, and she literally was looking at me. she ..yeah..give something like you know..that "courage" to put me there. i wish i wanted. well..honestly, i want it. but idk, i dont think i'll survive.

the thing is i dont wanna live in US for another years. go to college here means i live here for a while. it sounds like im pretty sure i'll get accepted haha. well, IF..u know, IF, just IF, just If God let me stay here for college, idk. my point is i prefer live in Indonesia than in US. <3

the other thing my mom keeps asking about is my passion. and yeah she helps me out, she told me about doctor, nursing, social working, teacher, every single profession that she thought i would interested at, it just so happen if me n my mom hear somebody says a word "passion" our eyes would meet ha. until one day..the same question she usually throws "so, did u find ur passion?" i said "probably i go with Pharmacy" and she cheered "finally Risni!!" oh well. but i said then "probably not".

anywayssss, im still kinda blur of passions i would ended up. being here is not helping me that much haha. somehow people around me tumbling me down. their confident, their smartness, their courage, their creativities, i wish i had all of those. smart people are surrounding me like crazy, as if they didnt let me to break a door toward hope~haha. im still stuck after all. for right now, my dream to make people i love proud of me, hasnt come true.

if only i had all people's courages. if only i were a Morpheus, making people falling asleep whenever they pass me and i'll suck all their courages into me. haha. no sense at all. at least im kinda sophisticated recently. lie. fail.

u dont know what WE have experienced, i dont blame ya if u dont wanna know our stories :)

i didnt realize that much that i was an exchange student.
now i do. being an exchange student is a blessing.
'tasting' how its like to go to school in another country is a blessing.
'tasting' how its like to live with another family is a blessing.

it is not
"went to United States is the best experience ever"
it is
"became an exchange student is the best experience ever"

i would love to be an exchange student again in another country...doesnt matter what country it would :) but well i'll be senior this year..so..u know.. =.=

dont act like a tourist

i was in pre-departure orientation, and this girl, from Norway, gosh i just looovvveee her thoughts, said "dont act like a tourist"

she said, "you know, some people kinda like showing off to their friends back home. but actually, we're not tourists, we're exchange students"

love it love it love it. she was my room mate for 3 days in this activity from AFS in San Anotnio. i just like her. in some points, the way she talks to people kinda like 'obvious' and 'direct' make people offended, but ive learned that Norway culture somehow like that. i dont care, i know her intentions are good. haha :)

other point.
ive learned in the orientation, that "not our friends in our country would get excited to hear our story in US, cz they werent the exchange student, but us, who felt it" so, ive learned, when i come back, im not gonna expect too much for a 'welcome behavior' that my friends and family would come up with, what i care is, i bring 'something' for myself, and for whoever who wanna have a talk with me, my open heart, i'd love to tell my stories :)

cz im an exchange student and i love for being an exchange student.

love~

"scarf human" (krik)

i just noticed it. that being a "scarf human" (read: obvious-Muslim) here not that bad but not that going-well.

im in Texas..so immigrants are mm..u know.. everywhere (im not only talking about Hispanic, i mean like..immigrant-ssss)n i guess Southern US got more immigrants.

So..in my school itself, we have quite many middle-eastern-er, so guess what??? You're right!we got some Muslims here. and there are like 5 "scarf-humans" including me in school, if im not mistaken. I WAS SO HAPPY knowing that. but no longer happy right now. cz i dont really get along with them,dk why.

my point is, it just so happen that Americans in Texas, especially in Houston, get used to see scarf-humans around. thats the good thing.

but still.

something like people-expectation-about-muslims(scarf-human)-are-conservative-in-the-way-of-their-life (im not sayin that it is a stereotype, cz 'conservative' in their point of view is like "covered,and much limitations of freedom" which is true)are happening.

people keep asking me about my have-to-ness (maksa gila) in wearing my scarf, long pants, n long sleeve (hijab). i say "yes i do".

that limitation of clothing, honestly, start bothering me (im honest, okay). i feel weird when im in a PARTY and start to dance in the disco lightspot (ahaaa) which i never and wont do it. i feel awkward whenever i have a kind of performing that require something short, a tank top, cocktail dress, etc -which i will do soon for choir performance- and i'd be the only one that covered, like covered, all the way all over my body except my face. and people's eyes start to say "uuww look at that". well well well i know it probably only my (-)feeling and (-)thinking.. but i AM think-ING about it haha. something different is the first thing that get attracted by eyes, rite? (probably not, if that 'differentthing' is ME haha)

but alhamdulillah...my faith still tight me, eventhough just a small hug, not a big embrace, but at least, im not really outside the line, im "Waiting Inside the Line"..im not a girl that "Party in the USA" then Shalat in Indonesia..i know i feel "Half Alive" cz im not full-devout-muslim, but at least, im still be able to "Pray" and say to God that "Im Yours", guide me, dont put me outside Your line.
PS. maksa bgt gue nyambungin kalimat pake lagu

Insya Allah, this thing that on my head...will never taken off ;)

smile~

what's up

what's up guys.

happy earth day. it was fun.

happy easter.

good friday.

3 days weekend. fun. fun. fun

i dance!

i love playing guitar <3

bye.

i love everyone.

Cerita

Gue baru balik dari conference namanya BUBW conference, stands for Better Understand for Better World kalo gak salah he. From April 6-10 in Baltimore, MD. Gue kira nih conference bakal kayak diskusi soal leadership, open minded dkk. Bener sih...tp yg gak gue kira adalah soal diskusi Interfaith yg justru malah ditekankan di conference ini.

Ada 32 Negara di conference ini. (Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand, Ukraine, German, Paletine, Israel, Russia, US, Pakistan, Kirgystan, Kazakztan, --tan dkk, mls ngetik 32 negara haha)

Kita semua exchange student program scholarship dr YES, FLEX, and CB(kecuali satu org student American kyk observer gitu deh) itu masing2 negara adalah dominannya Muslim (but not necessarily).

Hari pertama cuma ngobrol, getting know each other.


Hari kedua, diskusi soal permasalahan dunia.


Org2 Pakistan ngomong soal stereotyped org2 dunia ttg org Taliban, mereka cerita ini-itu soal Taliban yg sebenernya gak gitu gue ngerti (hehe), yg gue baca dr buku Three Cups of Tea (baca deh), Taliban itu terkesan jelek bgt, musuh, jahat, dan other bad-words. dan org Pakistan di conference ini mengiyakan. Kalo gak salah (kalo gak salah), ada satu anak yg bilang dia gak anggap org Taliban itu Pakistani, mereka itu uneducated, ga bisa baca, jahat, bikin rusuh and perang dll. Gue lupa mereka ngomong apa. -.-


Org Palestine, mereka cerita soal kesusahan hidup mereka disana. Soal kebencian mereka sm political Jewish gov di Israel. There was 2 Girls from Israel, tp mereka bilang mereka Palestinian, semenjak kejadian Promise Land mereka dptnya tinggal di Israel. gue baca kaos yg dia pake, tulisannya (versi Indo) "Usir Org2 Yahudi dr Palestina" ya that kind of stuff lha. Jadi Palestinian yg tinggal di Israel ini pun cerita soal kesusahan mereka tinggal di Israel sbg Arabs (mereka cerita di presentasi), soal diskriminasi antara Jewish dan Arabs, that kind of thing, mereka bilang "I dont hate Jewish people, i have many Jewish friends in school, i just hate the political things of Jewish Government etc etc..."


Dr negara2 kayak Liberia, Egypt, Tunisia, mereka cerita soal overthrowing and revolution yg terjadi disana..tau kan yah..


Dr negara Kuwait, Ukraina, termasuk Indonesia kita sih bilang damai2 aja negara...haha. walaupun gue sempet mw angkat tangan cerita soal kejadian di Poso, tp gak jadi haha.



Di hari ini, gue baru sadar, ternyata MASIH BANYAK lagi hal2 yg gak gue tau...hahahahaha (kok ketawa? -.-") gue sdar bgt waktu diskusi di hari ini, gue ngantuk, bosen, mana tmn2 di meja gue berisik bikin pgn lempar sendal, tp di satu sisi hati gue yg baik (ciee) gue bnr2 ngerasa, "jd selama ini gue ngapain aja sih gamau explore dunia...dunia dr agama sendiri, saudara sendiri...he"


Terus habis ini kita presentasi soal gmn caranya buat bikin Better World. awalnya gue dengerin..org2 dengerin..lama2 boseennn...sampe kita (termasuk gue) ngobrol...berisik deh. Tiba2 di tgh presentasi si cewek american berdiri n ngomong yg intinya "Guys..we were talking about everything that happen around the world, now we are talking about how to make a better world, we have to respect each other, listen to everyone who speaking, i know we're exhausted..but please..we're talking about a better world..bla bla bla." gue yg lagi ketawa main games sm tmn gue langsung "krik" seketika..jd merasa bersalah~~~ akhirnya gue dengerin tuh presentasi sampe akhir..he


Hari k3

Kita mengunjungi Ukraine Orthodox Church, Synagogue, and Mosque. Kind of fun and interesting krn pertama kalinya gue masuk Synagogue which is Tempat Ibadahnya org Yahudi. Di tiap tmpat kita ngomongin soal agama msg2 kayak apa..walaupun gue gak gitu masuk ke otak krn ngantuk bgt (peace) tp ada lha hal2 yg gue tangkap dan it was pretty interesting. Di masjid, 3 org dr Islam, Jewish, n Christian ngomong soal kisah hidup mereka dan gimn caranya respect antar-agama that kind of thing.


Hari k4

Pretty much kita jalan2. Sightseeing ke Museum n Aquarium n liat harbor dan sekitar baltimore..yeah..it was fun.

Malamnya ada Banquet, kayak Gala Dinner sama certificat ceremony gitu lha..Indonesian tampil HAHA. Naufal n Ambi dance dr bali n Jawa..abis itu kita b4 (sm Sarah) nyanyi n dance2 dikit lagu Rame-rame. haha gak usah tau kayak apa deh xD


Hari k5
Pulang



Okay.

ini cuma brief story aja.

Hal yg gue suka dr conference ini adalah yg buat gue setidaknya sadar betapa pentingnya tau soal apa yg terjadi dunia buat care an awareness kita antarsesama. soal open minded and stereotyped discussion sih udah jd makanan anak2 exchange student. tp di conference ini lebih dibawa ke open minded soal interfaith yg buat gue ber-ooo-ria dan ber-hmmmm-ria dan ber-apa-sih-nih-orang-ria liat org2 di sekeliling gue.

Roommate gue, 2 org African Muslim dan satu Russian Orthodox yg dia bilang dia percaya Islam, dia punya cincin bertuliskan Bismillah dr neneknya buat terhindar dr marabahaya katanya, tp dia gak practice, bilangnya sih Orthodox..gatau deh haha. udah biasa sih liat org2 di US yg Atheis atau Agnostic atau punya agama tp mereka bilang "i dont practice". dan udah biasa liat remaja2 "ga respect" di US krn culture mrk yg suka "berontak" (jgn salah paham apa yg gue kasih tanda kutip). tp gue gak biasa liat exchange students yg super gak respect. ternyata di conference ini banyak yg gak respect, itu keselnya gue. di hari k2 gue bangga bgt sm org disitu, yg mau share soal interfaith and open minded thingy, speak in front of people dg english yg super bagus.. (beda bgt sm waktu orie, progress mereka keren euy), tapi ada some people, yg mereka ngomong, share, pikirannya dewasa pas ngomong, tapi ternyata gak respect sm older people. disuru diaamm susahnya minta ampun..ganggu gue tidur lagi di bus (lho), disuru ini malah itu...zzzz sampe ada chaperone yg teriak di bus "kalian itu scholar student, kalian harusnya behave good, gak kayak gini!" ternyata di lawan sm some people "kita mw having fun, emg ga boleh scholar student having fun?!"...gila gue kesel bgt pas itu...okay lo boleh having fun..tp kita punya rules yaaaa.. (maaf kalo keliatannya gue sok nurut, tp gue kasian sm organizernya.....jd organizer asli itu cuma 2 org, Imam arafat sm istrinya Kim, mereka itu capek, i can tell..bahkan yg ngurus dr konsumsi, dokumentasi, sampe acara itu aslinya cuma mereka..dibantu sama beberapa chaperon, liat Imam Arafat ngatur kita, they shoulve respected him!) malah berisik dan susah diatur..zzz. gue jadi merasa bersalah sm guru2 yg kadang gue sering gak dengerin klo lg ngomong..maaaffff... (tiba2 nyambung kesini ya haha))


btw, Imam n istrinya tuh so sweet bgt lho.. hehe (gak penting)


udah deh mw ngerjain PR. 3 hari gak sekolah byk make ups #nangis #ga penting


oh well. intinya...tau kan. Better Understanding for Better World. Respect each other and be open minded (maaf pasaran). dan jgn jd org "yg ngomong tak bunyi, yg laku tak gerak" --> kt2 tmn kakak gue (mudah2an gue dan kita semua termasuk org2 baik. amin)

Putuuu