9 10 11

ah bytheway, today is my birthday. im 19th now. old.

but i like the numbers though haha, 9 10 11, kinda cool :p

anyway, i get sick, severe flu, its been a week, my mid-test got really disturbed cz of this damn flu. last year i got sick on my birthday as well ha. too bad. too bad. too bad.

anyhow, happy birthday Risni. get well soon.

grade-oriented

kenapa sekolah itu bikin stress?
kenapa waktu gue di US (dan disini juga sih), gue benci banget sama PR yg banyak tp tetep gue kerjain?
waktu kelas X n XI, gue OSIS hampir tiap hari pulang sore atau malam -sangat menguras waktu-, debat sering latihan kalau ada lomba-cukup menguras waktu-, gue jarang bgt belajar tapi nilai gue termasuk gak jelek (bukan sombong, tp fakta he), dan gue senang menghadapi masa 2 tahun SMA gue, byk bgt hura-huranya, apalagi kelas 2. sekarang gue gada OSIS, debat udahan, tiap sekolah lgsg pulang, (nilai belum begitu keliahatan sih) tp bawaannya stress muluuuuu, gabisa hura-hura,kenapa???

gue tau kenapa!
karena semenjak habis lebaran, gue berubah jadi power rangeeerr!! *jiirrr jayus sumpah* semenjak habis lebaran, gue berubah menjadi org yg full-grade-oriented. kelas X, XI i could still get average-grades cz i enjoyed my highs school, i wasnt that grade-oriented person. now?

dulu, PR banyak tetap gue kerjain karena gue merasa PR itu kewajiban, gatau kenapa, udah dr SD bawaannya kalo gak ngerjain PR gak enak hati *cie elah* tapi sekali lagi, itu gue nikmatin! sekarang kelas 12? karena orientasi gue nilai nilai nilai nilai nilai dan nilai, gue jadi stress, nilai di bawah tmn2 sekelas kayaknya no hope in the future gitu, PR (apalagi PR kesenian) gue BENCI SETENGAH MATI, gue ngerjain PR sekarang2 ini semata2 ngejar nilai. and that is no good.

gue selalu inget kt2 tmn SMP gue, "Belajar itu buat tahu, bukan buat lulus". jujur, kata2 itu yg buat gue makin komitmen untuk gak nyontek di kala ulangan, dan gue senang bgt alhamdulillah dr SD sampai sekarang gue takut nyontek hahaha. anyway, permasalahannya bukan soal menyontek, tapi lebih kepada kata tahu atau lulus , kata ilmubermanfaat atau nilaibagus .

gue pingin banget bilang ke diri gue sendiri "Ris, kalo lo sekolah cuma buat ngejar nilai ngapain lo sekolah? bayar aja guru lo biar dpt nilai 100 semua, capek2 ngejar nilai, ilmu ga masuk. well yeah, kalo lo ngejar nilai doang, cenderung ilmu yg udah lo hafal ilang seketika"

sebenernya waktu gue di US, gue udah grade-oriented juga, abisnya guru2 gue sama hostmom gue muji2 nilai bagus gue mulu jadi kan mau gamau gue mesti jaga citra juga sampai akhir hahaha. ini rapot gue selama setahun disana:




BAGUS KAN?? HAHAHA

well, kalau kalian berada di posisi gue, you would get those great grades as well, karena emang itu bukan soal buat "org2 indonesia" :p hehe (gue ambil kelas mudah lagi hahaha)

so, what did i feel after i get that report?
gue bangga. gue merasa menjadi well-educated-indonesian.
now, what am i feeling?
miserable. why?
1st. the questions werent that hard, im sure most indonesians can get what i got
2nd. its only grades, you should ask yourself, did u get something really really new and try something challenge? or did u just repeat something over? like algebra???
3rd. i believe i wont get that kind of grades here, on my senior year. too bad.

suck.
tuh kan, grade-oriented kan gue???

i wanna change my paradigm.
i want to believe, school is not about grades only, school is about everything, mainly social life :)

i read this triangle diagram about college life from my friend's DP @ bbm. It says about sociallife-enoughsleep-goodgrades, the diagram says, in college you can only choose two. i dont wanna choose two, I WILL CHOOSE THREE. all of them, i gotta do that, i'll get goodgrades, lots of friends, and good health. i have to.

and i gotta do that now, like rite now, in my high school year as well.
cz school is not about grades only, it is about everything.

World is so small anyway

Im a part of Science 4 in my school now. I was in Science 3 and I loved in it. I will never be able to get over everything in it.

Anyhow, I always miss-written about my class nowadays, I put(almost) Science 3 in my books and my test instead of Science 4. Thats a something, I believe =.=

I love school, everybody loves school I assume.

So, Im not sayin that Im not liking my situation for being with new friends, I love them, really. It just this feeling what you call it "missing something missed". You get sadder and lover when you lost something, you miss things that used to be with you every time, you miss being next to them, talking with them, laughing with them, doing stuffs with them.

And this is, my school, is the same place when I had my time with them. In other hand, I feel like being left by an air-balloon that symbolize my friends while I was inside the bucket and I fell in to the place that we used to be together, the different is they were going somewhere to the new world.

Im too exaggerating. lol

dont care. I am a girl having sensitive feelings.

this is a poem to you friends:

Farewell is not a good fare to me
Because I dont need to be paid for a separation
I just need you to come back

Farewell is not welfare for me
Because you tend to say goodbyes
As if you dont want to meet me anymore
That is so not welfare

You even didnt throw a going-away-party
dont care
dont need it
I only need your big bear hugs
and a promise
to keep me in your mind
and meet me again

It sounds like Im being left by my bestfriends eveeerrr. hahahaha.

I have lots of friends. thats okay. World is so small anyway.

Happy Ied!

Honest, this is the most fun Ied ever lol. Idk why, probably cz I didnt celebrate Ied last year, well yeah I went to school instead, just normal usual day like nothing happened. So then I found it very pleasure today.

Taqabballahuminna wa minkum (sorry if I wrote this wrong)
I am sorry for all my mistakes. May God be with me and every single grateful person (I hope including me) every second of our lifes.

Here are some pitures :)



Me and My Big Bro-Sist




Me and my cutie cousins~ bluee. It was taken at the cemetary by the way.



With my cousins~ look at her syahrini- skirt =.=

another desperate post

I just finished studied math Integral Trigonometry. Ive been studying it during these couple weeks, because honestly I just cant get it. Is it because my brain just shut down all of a sudden after not dealing with hard questions for a year? Or Integral Trigonometry happens to be hard? I dont know, both could be the reasons. I still cannot get it. I keep texting my genius friend, Richard, to help me out on that. But i cant just texting him every night to answer my questions (that might be easy for him actually- but it does bother him, i believe). So what should I do?

Im trying as could as possible to figure out the answer by myself without texting him, but it turns out to my "blehh..." "zzzz" "aaaa" "grrrr" "dang it-fuck-wth-" expressions. I cannot stand it. I HATE THIS FIRST CHAPTER OF MATH. I feel so stupid. I think I never this sucked at Math. I need a private teacher who wont be tired of getting my stupid-math-questions.

I wish I could get a compliment on my perfect complement of doing any math. When is it? I dont know.

oh well

Do I love being myself?

Im kinda down recently. I thought being back here would be great. I have tried some ways to be grateful of what I have and what I am. I really wanna spin back the time, I wish i couldve gone to USA in my elementary school time, so I guess I would not be like this. Because I just realized my exchange year actually brought many changes but I think its too late to upgrade and develop them. Because I had been a ZERO, if only I were a ONE or TWO, i could have been awesome. (laugh)

Let me be frank. I dont like me for right now. As my family and my friends could tell, I suck.

I have wasted my two-years of high school. No exploration, like at all. Too focus on student council and debate, made my field were only those, made me think to get into Social Thingy by the time I got to choose my major. I was passionate about International Relationship, Communication, Psychology, that kind of things. It turned out that I have quite a lot Social-Competition Certificates and yeah I was on fire to do anything in student council.

It has changed. My exchange year helped me out. I figured that I am not into social, business, communication, and..mmm..science, and I am not into Literature inspite for the fact that I like writing. So where I should be major at?

At least, my friends and families right now have been supporting me on my "passion" of Pharmacy. I say "SF ITB guys, let me in your prayers" and they apparently supporting me. I am so glad. Theyve been motivating me, mainly my Mom. Its burdening me though, but yeah thats what Im interested on right now. Why is that? Pharmacy has many job vacancies and basically its not guys-work lol. It might change though.

Back to my question. Do I love being me?
I read this book called "You Dont Know Me", and I saw this movie called "Front of the Class" they motivated me and brought me down at the same time, uh yeah they did. Cz I am jealous to people that are able to fight their weakness.

I was thinking that I was special, I was proud of me, cz of what I got and did. So then I looked up, I looked at the people above me, oh gosh they are way too smart than me. Smart at everything. I thought my 18 years-experiences would beat 14 years old girl. Not necessarily. huh.

Now Im trying to contemplate.

I realize that my blog is garbage. Spam the internet maybe. ha. I know I keep posting something like "OH No, Im no good" "Oh no, Im jealous" "Oh no, ..." It keeps repeating in other way or style of writing. The ending is always "no point". But my posts are true after all.

hi

just wanna say hi.

this is my first post after coming back to Indonesia.

how is it being back here?

too much to say.