i feel strange, really strange

(blog gue jadi kayak diary, isinya curhatan haha)

i dont care if there are people read this or not. I really wanna have personal diary but i just cant. idk why, i never have diary for a long time, like permanently. i prefer typing than manual writing. and i dont care if people want to read this or not, but i do care if there stranger read this, i mean people that i dont know. it just interesting to have people like that reading my post, so i wont embarassed since they dont know me lol. ok. enough. this writing are not important actually.

well,

i have many dreams, i wanna be someone in law background but not a lawyer, i want to work in medical things but not a doctor or nurse, i want to be a writer- a really good writer, i want to be a rich person, i want to have a religious,kind,cute,and wealthy husband, i want to feed many poor people with my money, i want to travel the world, i wanna have many friends and networks, i want to be able drawing or painting and singing and playing instruments, i want to be happy with all of those.

i never said that before, waw.

it sounds so greedy i know. But nevermind, i dont really attempt that though. It just my fantasy.

yeah, fantasy. that word. fantasy. fantasy really make me drunk and weak.
actually i'm not gonna write about my dreams-fantasy, instead, my fantasy which stuck in my head. im crazy. let me tell you n u can tell me that im crazy.

i have this fantasy everyday, and almost every single time even if people are talking to me. I was doing this CONSCIOUSLY since i was in 6th grade. So, this fantasy is a story made by me, im making a story in my head. I have quiet many characters, more than 3 guy and 3 girls. Im making a plot, un-neat plot. Sometimes it could finish for one night when i intend to go to bed, sometimes it continue till the next day even 3 days. and it could be repeat over for next week or month in the similar story and i never bored of it. Sometimes i make a story related to my life (with the same characters, not me) in the same setting where i used to live, like my real school, my real home, my real friend's home (n my friends will involved in it but me, im just a storymaker), but i will make a fiction story every i go to bed. Idk why i feel uncomfortable if i involve my real life in a go-to-bed-story (well call it fantasy rather that story anw). I always do it when im alone. Otherwise, not always, but often.

I used to do that and i loved it that way till i went to 11 grade SHS. It changed. I started to feel strange of myself. Those fantasy started to make me crazy. I become un-focus on everything. I started to make myself UNCONCSIOUSLY have that story in my head, especially if im bored. The thing, idk why that fantasy only came once in my dream. Though i do it almost in every single time. Nowadays, actually since 11 grade i become such a teribble girl who are confusing everything. I spent most of my time to do something that actually wasting, make me not sensitive to surrounding. I feel strange, un-focus. I often promise to myself, i will never make that kind of fantasy again. It never happen. The most successful one was 3 days in a row i could stop that fantasy in my head, but then it came up again. I also ever tried to write down my story in my head rather that just stuck it in, but every i intended to do it, i felt i couldnt, idk how to start and where to start becz my story never make sense. It's "too fiction" (but not kid's story).

Now, the characters that i make seem real. I know their faces, literally. They just looked real now. Look, im crazy!

Honestly, it starts to make me more insane. I dont want to have it. but nothing i could do except i want to try to get rid of it by denying it. I feel im crazy. -.- oh lord. get me out of there.

i feel silly now.

last holiday, then happy holidates

2 weeks off just went so fast. tomorrow will be my first day in spring semester. im nervous lol.
bismillah.

--dealing with homeworks again, cant tell...~{'0'}~

Happy New Year!

the day before new year eve, we had Sarah -my Indonesian friend- at our house. we had fun with her, yes, sure we did. We hung out for spending our last winter break and welcome d new year! :) we went shopping and saw movies. well, me myself watched many movies actually with friends, mom, or alone rent a movie, let me list it,
Inception, Eat Pray Love, Shallow Hal, Kite Runner, EasyA, Leap Year (those are mom and I rented) and movies which we saw in movie theater, Narnia, Harry Potter, True Grit, How Do You Know, and Gulliver's Travel. LOL. I never saw that much before in a short periodic time. -.-"
but yeah, as i told you, Winter Break: shopping, iceskating, and see movies. You know, Houston is not a "Holiday Town" like California or Florida where they have a lot of fun things like Disney World, Disney Land, -whatever it is called-Parks, Beaches, etc. Oh seriously. I wish my mom didnt work in winter break, she would be take me to far and more fun places. Well, that wasnt bad though :) doing fun things with friends and mom just so awesome.
In New Year day, my grandma took us to her best friend's house in Piney Point for New Year Party. The house was just so cool. It's a big house and the owners are attorneys. The guests are mostly lawyers or attorneys as well. I would be love to live in such that wonderful house but i dont want to take care of it lol. And i loved the foods! haha.



Happy New Year :)



Like a baby (i was laughing when this was taken haha)

ready for 2011?

ready for 2011?
i hope so.

tonight i went dinner with mom in Panda Garden (our favorite restaurant), in the middle of meal we had conversation about what resolution we're gonna make for 2011.
and these are the things mom named it for me:
1. more assertive
2. speak louder
3. making more friends

and this is i named for mom:
1. dares to say 'NO'

let me contemplate.
bismillahirrahmanirrahim. :)

be grateful

i'm excited!
today is christmas morning, i know im not suppose to celebrate christmas but i have to.
last night was a blast, well that's not true. but still, it was good. on christmas eve i had dinner with mom, grand2, and neighborhood, they're all old -.-" i barely didn't speak up. sometimes i laughed listened to their stories, it was pretty funny but mostly i was only in silence haha. but im grateful, let's rejoice for what God had given to us.
i just opened my christmas gift from mom, i got two books (that i love it), a book mark, chocolates, a box of cards n envelopes, and a diary book :). im grateful :)

i'm excited!
i never seen snow before! lol. well, that's not true. i never seen snow for a real! n i'm gonna see it soon haha (maklum dr negara tropis yg gak pernah liat salju -.-). i hope so. my mom promised me, we'll go to New Mexico this coming January :D
let's rejoice for what God had given and will give and giving to us.

probably this winter break i'll posting often, since nothing that i could do but 'work' on computer. i passed all wonderful days without write them somewhere even not a paper :( i should write them. all wonderful days that i have had, that i'm gonna have, that im having now. wonderful days that God gives to us. Let's rejoice for what God had given and will give and giving to us.

Be grateful.

--Risni

winter break-- time to tell you the truth

when i wrote this, i was, still, didnt know who i was.

ALONE. make me feel like i'm useless. nobody want to hang out with me, nobody want to even call my name. haha i'm desperate.

i love winter breaks where i can wake up late, wasting time on computer, watch movies, hang out with friends, reading books, and many more just doing fun things. Does it happen every time, everyday, frequently or what? as a matter of fact, not really. I'm not really doing great job here, as an exchange student, as an Indonesian exchange student, as a Moeslem-Indonesian exchange student, i am, still, feeling the same even worse.

i feel i just wanna go home nowadays. i love Indonesia better. I love my friends there, my family, my everything. i just love them. It's because winter breaks, i spend my time mostly alone.

when im alone, i feel i dont have anybody to talk to, to share with, to do something with, nobody. well, i could call my friends here (though i said i'm not doing great job as exchange student, but im making friends lol), but it just different. i know i have friends, im being more introvert during my year here. i have my lovely friends, great friends who want to accept me as what i look like. they dont care where i come from, they dont care what religion i am, they dont care what i'm putting on. they are not a lot (i told you im being introvert here) but i love them.

the things are,
i love them but it's not as much as i love my friends in Indonesia, feeling awkward still haunt me~ though i know they are just so nice.
they are different. they have their own culture. american cultures that are not so me. My best (close) frinds here are not real-americans. At least it makes me engage them easier than real americans who just NOT so me. they still american though. but i know that's wrong. open minded is completely required.

but look hey. i hate to be compared to anybody else. indirectly, many people start to compare me with other exchange students who are doing great (i admit).

im still cannot open my mind to accept different things here. i'm not from big city, im not that kind of girl who like to be like "that girls" (i hope u understand) i am me, i am myself. please dont blame me people !

i'm trying, i know i failed.
im lazy to keep moving forward and im tired.
i used to do things with many friends! but i have my best friends. i love to be extrovert, like butterflies. doing something back and forth, to and fro, a social person, helping each other, in a BIG family.
now im feeling alone.

n i completely hate being alone. im too dependent. i know.

but other time. I just so thankful to get here. Im happy when i do things with friends. when go to movie theater, shopping, playing, chatting, just being around them, a lovely time with them. consciously, i dont wanna go home, even i dream about to live here.

human never be satisfy.
i've no idea how much i miss Indonesia now, but i've no idea how much im gonna miss everything in US, later.

but still, when i wrote this, i was alone. i wanted to go home.

i can't help, i hate being 18.

look, world is full of different things! (open minded is necessarily required)

i dont know what to say, but i'm getting suck now, i'm 18 but i feel like i do nothing. do you know what teenagers used to act when they have no idea who they are? they're wasting their time, uhh it's me now.
am i a teenager now? not really, i mean i'm 18! i'm eligible to drive, so what? idk.
(see, i'm getting unorganize to do things even writing)
my life has no good progress, at least what im feeling, idk what people think and for now i dont care though.
i learned psychology during my semester here, i know some "what is it called" that happens to me.
1. ID moratorium. this is the identity that teens usually experience. they're asking questions bout everything they dont understand exactly, they have no commitment yet, and they feel suck like me, life is just so complicated.
2. ID foreclosure. im honestly say here what happens to me as well. sometimes i do follow everything people like to and i think those people are my "leader", my "god". my "everything" n then i follow them without asking as i think they're right! they're cool! oh whataver. im being completely follower.
3. Compensation defense and Reaction Formation defense. Often, i see many people are a way superior than me, clever, smarter, rich, talented, just a way different with me. then im feeling envy, instead of being angry to them, im compliment them. then i make 'compensation' by saying "okay, i dont have that, but i have this,". BUT not really for right now. im seeing too many. too many people are really really superior. i just admire them and envy them. im sort of have a stiff smile admiring and hoping i could be just like them.
4. dominance, deference, and succorance in the same life time but different situation. do i have a double personality?? yes i do. that's what i think..and feel that bring me up to feel pleasure, but other time bring me down to feel so dependent and shy and shy and shy. Tumbling on the sand with a pillow cover my face attempt to put it on my butt. what a world that bring me in this images. i cant control my self to act not like an 18 girl or.. women.

i dont have principes, commintment to my life. idk what im suppose to do. 18 is too adult for me to do something what kids do and i do what kids do anyways. so, do you know what are you going to do when you turn 18?

it seems so exessive for most of u, i bet it does. but.. look. you dont know what i feel.