I just had a chat with a friend yesterday about how I feel guilty to do some hobbies while assignments from work are piling up; let alone my messy house that has been waiting for my attention. Yet doing hobbies are rewarding and nobody forbids me to do so except my brain that keeps saying “ah you got time, why don’t you do a more important work!”. Simply, brain, I just want to entertain myself. I might not be as busy as my co-workers or my friends out there, but I got all the right to have a work-life balance haha.
So, in this writing time, I want to talk about work. Lah.
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I used to love reading self-help books (I’ve been craving for it again). My perspective toward self-help books has changed a bit since, again, this brain contemplated on its own about the downside of motivational readings, leaving my bookshelf covers in dust for months; well, apart from the fact that I prefer (need to) reading academic papers rather than any type of books now.
People call it ‘illusion of progression’; the feeling that we’ve progressed in life, that we have done something great but in fact we have not. I'm not saying that I disagree. It’s a yes and a no. In fact, Susan Cain and Sheryl Sandberg are among the authors that successfully change my mindset as an introvert and a woman through their self-help books Quiet and Lean In (don’t get me wrong, I don’t buy feminists’ main idea from Sheryl, or I might do unknowingly? hopefully not). Illusion of progression may not happen if we turn the theory into practice and use the new perspectives for helping others, not merely feeling content about the know-how.
I think I have this intense longing for reading books that I need to heal. It just needs me to compromise to spare my weekend for reading non-academic books again instead of studying or working. I guess my brother has been tired looking at me staring at laptop all the time at our parent's house. Hopefully he's okay with me drowning in books.
It reminds me a time when I was pursuing my master degree. I did a part-time job as a substitute English teacher. It’s funny how I felt so satisfied about my life back then. Did thing that I loved, which was teaching and studying (as a pharmacy master student), but at the same time, I had tons of time to read, write, as well as enroll for offline and online non-academic courses, even time to watch a lot of movies. It became funnier when a thought popped up in mind that I would accept a permanent offering as an English teacher because why not haha. My husband said it's just about time until I can adapt and manage my time well between work and hobbies. Let me trust him.
From the thought of having appropriate leisure time, of course it jumps to other considerations.
What I do today is not something that I would answer to a question like “what do you do for a living?”. Shouldn’t it be something that earning money to pay bills? Well, I spend my salary for coffee and -what me and my co-workers often joke about- buying giant meatballs, since those what my salary could afford. Meanwhile, my husband pays any bills and he never minds it. Not to mention the one-year 'probation' cause me to sit and listen in classes rather than teach, and a somehow additional role as an event organizer. Tri Darma Perguruan Tinggi should’ve been Catur Darma in the first place, welcoming Pendidikan, Penelitian, Pengabdian Masyarakat, and Panitia Acara. If it’s not my husband who keeps motivating me (and the fact that my work place is close to home), I would have accepted another offering or sought another job or be an English teacher (kidding).
What I do today is my old idealistic dream job when I was an undergraduate student. Practicing pharmacy in a hospital and teaching students had been a dream that I never knew I would accomplish. I was convinced that working in healthcare is my way to reach the highest hierarchy in Maslow's Theory (until I worked in a hospital and the thought changed haha). I rarely considered salary when choosing a job maybe because I’m not a sandwich generation and not a father, something I probably need to be grateful for. Although I can’t deny, sometimes the urge to purchase things with my own money felt disturbing. Yet the old-me always put passion first over anything.
New-me years ago had learned Ikigai, the intersection of What you love, What you are good at, What the world needs, and What you can be paid for. But I think, Ikigai is not something that we can get instantly. It needs time. Beginners will need to accept that they just started, they should be patient, until they know when to demand more. There are logical consequences in every step of our life, like a fresh-graduate of course will get a lower wage than experienced; a newbie with few skills who’s going through a Dunning-Kruger effect; or a once-idealistic graduate may be killed by his/her own expectation. We all will learn to stand committed to our values and be realistic at the same time.
Some people may eventually achieve the Ikigai, but some even never think about it because they focus on how to earn money for feeding their families, working until late regardless the job, whether it’s their passion or not. Finally it’s the privilege again that save some of us from ‘blindly’ opting for jobs.
One reference that made me pretty much overthink about a career was Benjamin Todd. I never finish reading his articles but there was this statement that I always remember, more or less it sounds like this "Find your sweet spot, a spot where the demand match the ability; not too hard that it makes you so stressful, but not too easy that it makes you bored. And do what's valuable.". When I showed my husband a diagram about this sweet spot, he pointed out a bigger picture (literal and not literal). He said that it doesn't necessarily mean 'not matched', maybe it's just his/her time to accept changes... to grow, as changes will always there following us. It's back to my favorite advice when I was a student "Growth never stays in your comfort zone." But comfort zone becomes more tempting as we get older, doesn't it?
Well, not me talking about life and career like I'm falling into quarter life crisis once again. Life crisis may haunt anyone at any time. I believe the crisis will come again by the time I have children haha. I think we'll get used to it and at the end, internalize compromises. It’s interesting though, to just self-reflect on how we grow and evolve, how our perspectives transform, how God shows us different path and test us where we’re gonna walk to; sometimes end up happy, sometimes not, but we learn. As a wise man says: There were many unknowns and we decided based on what we knew, never judge a decision by its outcome. I am not yet old enough to say all these, am I?
I wanted to write more, but I should pack my things to visit my parent. Maybe next time.
